You know what I did today?
I woke up. I slept in until 8. I watched Jon Stewart re-runs online. I got up, went to school, did a bunch of homework, struggled with elementary math, drew and passed notes in English, swore at three hours of french homework before two hours of French class. I hung out with McKienze, and we were both laughing until we were literally in tears about Pikachu drowning in mayonaise and Lenord Nimoy yelling "THE INTERNET". I came home and played with my dog.
It wasn't a bad day. It wasn't great. It was fairly normal.
Why am I talking about this generally unremarkable day?
Because a year ago, I was in shock. I don't think I'd even cried yet. My cat peed in the middle of my bed so I couldn't even grieve the loss properly; I laid on the couch in the fetal position and watched horror movies most the day, my head throbbing. I called in sick to work. I did laundry and crawled into bed. I tried to go to bed early. I woke up at 3am and heard myself laugh for the first time in 3 days and it was a hollow, barking noise I didn't register. It literally didn't make sense.
The following months took varying twists and turns because of one year ago today. My anxiety attacks had never been worse. I had complete strangers hug me. I'm pretty sure my managers at work gave me a Starbucks giftcard under the guise of doing a good job with spring cleaning when really it was a "sorry you got cheated on" card. I lost 30 pounds because I didn't really eat solid food for a month. I lost another 20 soon after.
You lover is an actress, did you really think she'd stay?
I can safely say that being cheated on was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. In the realest and saddest terms I can admit this can be traced; I have a father that disowned me and a mother that attempted suicide twice, leaving me emotionally. I have a vivid fear of people leaving me, and this was pretty much the
piece de la resistance as far as demonstrating how blatant and apparent that fear actually was.
We still talk, frequently. Daily. It's kind of strained sometimes; the subtext is always there, somewhere. We'll mention it now and then, and it admirably usually ends in yelling and one of us (me) crying. I get the strangest looks when I say this, but we're still friends. We're still best friends. It's hard, but it's worth it.
I don't say this to anyone who's reading this (maybe I am) but I admit this somewhere into the air, into the earth and the electromagnetic waves that are floating in between us, to the blood in our bodies and the pulses that drive them;
don't give up. You can sure as hell not try for a while, you can sink back down to that animalistic, basic 'survival' mode for however long you can allow yourself, but don't give up. It doesn't matter why. I would hope it isn't out of spite (though it might be at first, I know mine was), but find a reason, any reason and fucking stay with it until you can theoretically get back on your feet and feel like a real human being again. Until you can do things and feel things and all the songs on the radio aren't talkng directly to you. Wherever you are, whatever you're hurting for, don't give up.
I remember I actually bought a copy of 'Kid A' and 'OK Computer' by Radiohead so, as I put it blatantly 'So I can be sad on the go [in the car]'. I listened to them a lot. I was waiting for someone in the car one day, flipping through the liner notes, and underneath all the legal jargon, in tiny, itty bitty letters were: "We hope you are doing okay". I mean, if Radiohead was wishing me the best, I
couldn't give up.
I don't say this enough to anyone, I feel, but I love you. If you read this or I've read something of yours, whether you know I exist or don't, if I see you at school or at work, I love you. You keep me going. You are my comrades in arms, fellow human beings.
Thank you, friends. Thank you for months of pats on the back and sympathetic looks and letting me literally cry on your shoulders. Thank you for suffering with me. Thank you for at least nodding in understanding if you had nothing else to say. Thank you for listening.
Thank you for keeping me alive the past year.
Things can literally only get better.
Lots of love, forever and always, no matter who you are,
-Sinclair.
