I NEED COFFEE.

You and I both have set eyes on those stupid deco glass mugs in sale at Hallmark and little cutesy fluffy coffee shops: an exaggerated and very 90's looking picture of a haggled woman with some lame saying like, "You want it WHEN???" or "Give me the coffee and nobody gets hurt!".

Like me, these probably disgust you to an unreasonable point.

Unfortunately, yesterday I learned I'm slowly evolving into one of those people. I need coffee.

I got up in the morning like any other morning (swearing and kicking the cat out of my way, obviously) but on this particular morning I decided to be proactive and have some bagel action before I ran off to work.

Bad friggin' idea.

For the first hour or so of the morning my stomach was awkwardly laughing going ". . . Haha, okay dude, seriously. Where's the rest of breakfast. You said we were having breakfast." I shut it up, and kept working. Around 10am? It began to rebel by plucking it's grimy fingers on my nerve harp.

I became irrationally angry. I was hungry. It was ridiculous how hungry I was. Everything customers were doing made me want to leap out and strangle them. Everything my co-workers and managers did made me want to feed them into a wood chipper. The clock was mocking me. The fitting room in all of its uncleanliness was mocking me, no matter how I tried to scrub and sanitize.

I kicked the folding carts. I screamed into my arm a few times. I washed the mirrors bitterly. I decided to try and focus my energy on what I would do after I got off work if I wasn't hauled off by the popo for manslaughter.

I realize that nothing in my life has never sounded better than coffee. Black coffee. Coffee with sugar and cream. Not espresso, not tea, fucking coffee. Joe. The midnight oil. Oh my god it sounds amazing.

I begin to form sick half fantasies in my head about breaking the window and dashing off to the nearest gas station to get a cup (doors tend to be a waste of time in my imagination) and mentally list off all the places I could go to get some.

I can't properly describe how miserable I was yesterday morning. I honestly thought I was going to turn into some kind of dawn of the century hulking animal and rip someone to shreds; but needless to say I didn't. I called Miranda, snarled a few choice words at her and decided that we would meet at a diner in downtown Nampa (Le Barons Honker Cafe in downtown Nampa. Go there and eat forever and ever).

Even though I knew I was mere minutes from deliciousness, I still swore loudly about how many people were downtown on a Monday at 12:30pm, slamming my door and throwing my keys in my bag, as if to do some form of damage to them. Inside the first thing out of my mouth was "COFFEE PLEASE" between gritted teeth. I was brought a large. . . thermos? Pot? Hmm. A large contraption for the table top filled with it. They fed me an omelet and the rest of my day went swimmingly.

Needless to say, I made a pot this morning. It's 8am, and I'm doing pretty damn alright :)